Hey you guys.

Is JB's absolutely out of the question for you Kohi? Cause if it is I'll understand why and I'll let him know.

You can get through this. You're strong and I know you can.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm here if you feel like talking.

What did he say about smoking?

I texted him and asked him to call me when he gets the chance, so I can ask him about that and about seeing your friends when and how long you want. Keep checking back and I'll will let you know what he says.

Thank you. I wish Jin would get on and tell me his opinion. This is really messing with me. Especially after God warned me about Armageddon.

What did God tell you Kohi? You didn't explain to me when you told me. What did he say about Armageddon?

I can't really explain it. I could show you the article whenever we see each other again. It's really long. Did he answer yet?

I heard from him. He told you about the friends thing "depends on what friends she wants to go see". And he said that he's not gonna throw in the cigarettes. He told me "if she's doing so well where she is, why does she want to leave?" And he says that you not being able to talk to us is "just an excuse to go back to drinking and partying". He days the idea to send you back to Jin was stupid cause " he's just another druggie and a drunk that's enabling her to fuck up her life " and that basically I would be a bad friend for doing that. He said that if you wanna stay there you need to get in contact with him personally somehow. And he said that you'll be in the same position as you are there, cause if you "fuck up" once, he's kicking you out on the streets...

I was very, very wrong about the idea Kohi. That place is no better than where you are. That level of judgment is no better than what you have. It's a hostile environment. Stay there until we can figure something else out.

God I miss you. My heart feels like it's shattered into a million pieces. I miss you and I miss your face and your voice. I really hope Jin can take you in. Cause this is killing me.

I had a feeling. Tell him to go fuck himself then. What a horrible dickhead. Hope it's warm enough in Hell for him. Jin needs to answer me. I'm desperate for freedom. Kill me Balor. Fml

I'm on my way to pick up Lizzie. Hang in there and I'll have her call him and ask him to get online when we get back to my house.

I'm getting you to freedom one way or another Kohi. I swear on my life.

We're at my house now. She called him. He's gonna get online pretty soon.

I'm interested in that article you spoke of. But if you're freaking out about Armageddon, I need to give you some advice. As someone who had a time in my life where I was terrified of it. Yeah it's a scary thought. But try not to scare yourself and get worked up about it. If it happens, it happens. Just be the best person you can be, open your eyes and ears to God, and live your life. Don't fear the reaper. Strive to build your life.

I'm here. Let's talk. Now relax. Tell me everything.

Oh by the way, I found that amusing. Druggie and a drunk...boy he's got my number. Hilarious. We go way back. Classic JB. Funny how he's judging me based on nothing, or very little. But I forgive his ignorance and judgemental comment. Now, when he said that about Kohi, that's a little harsh. He's concerned with her fucking up? Is this person a man? People fuck up. If you can't forgive someone for making mistakes, then maybe you need to look into yourself, because it's only going to come back to you. Karma is not as forgiving as I.

I think balor was right where he said I can only pretend and not be myself until I burst. It's starting to feel like a matter of time. It's there absolutely ANYWAY your mom wouldlet me stay worth you for food stamps until I go to jins? Am I even gotgoing at all jin? Sometimes I feel like just giving up anymore guys. I cant take control much more at all.

Yeah, I'm a diplomatic person but I had to bite my tongue almost to a point of bleeding when he started saying that. He also started saying something about "she just uses you Chris. She just leads you on when she needs something from you and then when she gets it you're on the back burner again". And I almost fucking exploded. He doesn't know me and Kohi's friendship. He doesn't know even the first ingredient that constitutes it. Have me and Kohi had some issues before? Yeah. But she's never, ever used me.
He's just an outsider looking in. He doesn't understand human relationships so he's jealous of anyone having a friendship that is anymore complicated than the one he has with his tenants who he treats like children or his wife who he treats like a house wench.

Wanna know what a user is? A user is a person who asks a girl he's giving room and board to flash her tits so she can have a beer. A user is someone who has to put rules and conditions on literally everything just so he can have an illusion that he is in control of anything. Oh boy. He's the king of three trailers in the middle of nowhere. Oh boy! SIEG HEIL MEIN FUHRER!

Fuck people like him. He only sees the world in black and white cause he was born colorblind. He can keep his little trailer park kingdom. Kohi is too good for it. And she'll be better off without him breathing down her neck.

Kohi wrote:I think balor was right where he said I can only pretend and not be myself until I burst. It's starting to feel like a matter of time. It's there absolutely ANYWAY your mom wouldlet me stay worth you for food stamps until I go to jins? Am I even gotgoing at all jin? Sometimes I feel like just giving up anymore guys. I cant take control much more at all.

I can talk to her about out Kohi. But I'm gonna be realistic. Don't expect a yes. But I promise I will ask.

I'm so glad you don't believe I use you. Because I never did. I even told people about how I could have, but I've never did. I didn't even expect anything from anyone. The random acts of kindness (as well as rare) by you three ONLY I've never expected, let alone had any control over or even wanted. But I have appreciated. And no he is only jealous over how much I'd laugh with you guys and never found his sick perverted sexual jokes funny because he's just a creep like Ron and Kevin.

On a lighter note, dear, this are going to be just fine. Do you not see the resolve in my typing? I'm not going to break that promise. Please don't let this all bother you. If it's a sign, then perhaps you've misconstrued the words dear. The funny thing about words, is that they can be taken in many different context. Don't let that fear drive your thoughts. I've got so much I've still got to teach you. I'm not perfect either, but I don't fear the future, because the future has nothing to do with the now. And right now, we're all fine. I'm fine. I just ate dinner, and I'm drinking heavily and doing drugs. Just kidding, but I thought I'd add to my previous post for some dark humor. Even if I were doing said things, I would probably be too fucked up to even be here, let alone log in.

Gain yourself dear. Collect your thoughts. Calm yourself. Fear is only there to help you survive. Those feelings are being conjured up on what has yet to come, rather than what is. Imagine, if you will, sleeping in a sleeping bag, under a bridge, out in the cold. We were there, were. Not are. Not will be. Were. When things come, they'll go just as they came, then they will be past. You can't fear the past, trust me, I know all about the past. You can be upset about the past, but you can't fear it. Be upset about your future all you like, but don't fear it dear. Your fear and doubt just bring you down honey. And that's not good for you. Things never turn out as bleak as we can conjure up in our imaginations. I saw much worse things in my mind about the future, when the outcome was much less dramatic as it came to pass.

No, a person is never right in their assumption of another. You know why? They're not you. They can never know. That just means they know even less about themselves. No, you're not giving up. Not when I got you this far. You won't betray me like that Kohi. If you feel like you have no control, then take control of what you do have, even if it's a rock. You're master of your own destiny. Now dear, tell me, what are your doubts? Give them to me, so that I can destroy them. Because I'm not letting you feel like this. I fucking refuse to leave you like this. This is absolute bullshit and you need to let me handle it.

I'm asking other people before I ask my mom first.

I just want to be free. No one will let me be. I just want a smoke and a beer. I can't even go for a walk. Grandma would freak. I hate my life. I may wanna know I can visit you. Tell me the truth, is there progress? Or is the hope of seeing you just dead like every other Window of freedom? Just tell me the truth, I'm so tired... soooooooooooooo fucking tired

Demon_Prince_Balor wrote:I'm asking other people before I ask my mom first.

Good idea. But is it even possible? jin? We can't move anything until your mom says yes if she does at all. Why is everyone hesitant about me?am I that horrible? Can I sleep in one of your backyards for God's sake can no one help me?

Stop that. You're not tired. You could do this and feel devastated, but in truth, you'd wake up one day, and just see that you got yourself all worked up over nothing. Where is this fucking doubt coming from? Dammit Kohi, this is not you! I'm not being mean, but fuck, something has a hold of you and you need to let it go.

Dear, it's a yes, so long as it's a round trip. So the question is, how long?

Dear...this is going to be a mental reset for you. I'm going to be keeping my promise, but you need to relax. Can you do that for me? Can you stay in a calm state of mind until we can get this set up? I love you. I won't let you feel like this any longer.

Kohi wrote:

Demon_Prince_Balor wrote:I'm asking other people before I ask my mom first.

Good idea. But is it even possible? jin? We can't move anything until your mom says yes if she does at all. Why is everyone hesitant about me?am I that horrible? Can I sleep in one of your backyards for God's sake can no one help me?

I asked Brittany if you can stay there for a little bit. You're not horrible at all Kohi. You're quite the opposite of that. Human kindness is just a rare quality these days. Jin have you worked on it with your mom at all? Do you have any place where you can put her up?

She's staying with me. It's okay now.

I don't know. How long did she say? It's gonna depend on when my ssi judge court date ever comes. My lawyer said I'm in the waiting list which could be up to 24 months, that's been about 8 or 9. We could tell her is round trip and I could keep in touch with my lawyer until the date comes. I'm fine I'm just fed up with control is seen every possibility of it at this point and I just wanna be left alone ffs